Musings
by The Duchess Writes
Summary: "It's hard to miss something when you never knew it was there in the first place." Six months pregnant and alone, Madison thinks about what's in store for her and her unborn child.


**Disclaimer: **_Everwood_ and all related properties belong to Warner Bros.

**OOO**

Standing in her kitchen, Madison makes herself a sandwich. It's peanut butter and honey, which has always been her favorite. She even introduced the concept to Delia the night they watched reruns of _The Powerpuff Girls_ and played Speed. It was back when Ephram hated her, but she didn't care. It was at a time when she just thought of him as a dumb kid who had his head way too far up his own ass.

She wishes it had stayed that way.

Smoothing the peanut butter onto the Wonder Bread, she comes dangerously close to nicking her left hand. Even though it's just a butter knife, she's still neurotic whenever she comes close to an injury. Funnily enough, she normally doesn't care about getting hurt. In fact, when Madison was little, she kind of liked falling off her bike and getting cuts on her knees. Her mom would tell her that they made her look tough.

People often say that Madison has only gotten tougher as she's gotten older, but right now, no one can tell. Not when she has that large bump under her shirt.

She's already made the choice to put the baby up for adoption, knowing that she can't afford to raise this child on her own. Initially, she thought maybe she'd raise it with Ephram. She knows that she couldn't do the latter ever since she went to Dr. Brown with the intent of getting help, only to get sent away.

Why did she do that? Why didn't she go straight do Ephram? She's still mentally kicking herself because of it, but it doesn't matter now. Because Dr. Brown is out of her life, Ephram follows suit by default.

About a week after she arrived in Denver, she went to a Planned Parenthood. She was planning on getting an abortion, but something stopped her from going through with it. She's not sure what that something was, but she is certain that it happened for a reason.

Yesterday, she was at a local Starbucks, where a group of older women were sitting at the table next to hers. One of the women noticed her protruding bump and asked if she was excited to start a family. All Madison could do was bite her lip and nod, trying as hard as she could to fight back tears. Wasn't that woman old enough to know that you don't ask strangers those kinds of questions?

She feels a kick. It's both terrifying and glorious; the thought of another life growing inside of her scares her more than any horror film ever could, but her budding maternal instinct loves it.

Sometimes she finds herself wondering what the baby is going to look like. Maybe he's going to look like a blend of both his parents, but Madison secretly wishes that he'll look like his father. Even though she's never said it aloud, she thinks Ephram is incredibly handsome. She'll ponder what his personality is going to be like, and what interests he'll have. If he is half as musically inclined as his parents are, then he's going to be as phenomenal on the piano as Ephram is.

Then she stops herself. Why should it matter to her what this kid is going to be like? She's not the person he's going to have memories of. She's not the woman he's going to call "Mommy" every day. And she might as well forget about the things Ephram won't be able to experience, but then again...

It's hard to miss something when you never knew it was there in the first place.

She falls onto her sofa, forgetting all about the sandwich. Occasionally, she feels the twinge of regret for breaking up with Ephram in the first place. She knows he would have been willing to be there for her and their child. Mindy knows too, and used to call her once a week, telling Madison that she should tell him the truth, that he'll be there for her. Madison knows this is true, but she also knows that it's now too late to tell him. Mindy stopped after the fifth or sixth try.

Madison has been seeing a therapist lately. Dr. Goldman tells her that the adoptive family will be forever grateful for what she's giving them. She hopes that the older woman is right, but a part of her wonders. She's scared that he won't care about her. The adoption is going to be an open one, but she's certain that contact will be limited to biannual letters and photos. At the end of the day, they'll be strangers.

Dr. Goldman has mentioned that it might help to write a letter to her son, one that he can read when he's older. She says that it will be therapeutic for her, and her son will be able to have some understanding of current situation.

After some more deliberation, she gets out a piece of paper and a pen. She begins to write to her little Peanut, hoping he'll appreciate that nickname one day.

Writing the letter is harder than she thought it would be. It takes her a few minutes to even come up with a way to start the letter. After that, she knows what to write, but she has to stop every once in a while, mostly so that she can wipe away her tears. Before now, she had never imagined herself in this situation.

She even writes about Ephram, because something tells her that one day, Dr. Brown will crack. It's impossible to keep a secret like this forever.

After some time, she's almost finished with the letter, but there's one thing that's keeping her from completing it. She doesn't know what her son will think of her as, seeing as he's not going to think of her as his mother. So what is she supposed to write? Should she write her own name? No, that would be much too casual. Should she say something along the lines of 'Birth Mother'? Something like that would be too cold, too disconnected.

She reflects on the matter for some time, eventually coming to one realization. For what feels like the first time in months, she smiles, and proceeds to sign the letter. She doesn't know if she'll send the letter, but she has three months to decide.

The clock says it's 5:50. She has a babysitting job in forty minutes, and she likes to be early. Grabbing her keys, she leaves the apartment and locks the door. On the coffee table is a piece of loose-leaf paper.

_Dear Peanut,_

_There are probably a thousand questions running through your mind right now, and that's totally normal. I'm going to start by stating the obvious: I am Madison Kellner, your biological mother. As I write this letter, you haven't been born yet, but I know a few things about you. I also know that you are going to have two great parents, Rick and Tara Waglay. I haven't met them in person yet, but we've written each other a few letters. They're so excited to meet you. __I know that you're a boy, but Rick and Tara want to be surprised. They're going to name you, so I gave you my own nickname after a sonogram. You were so tiny that you reminded me of a peanut. I hope that you aren't too embarrassed by it._

_You're also probably wondering why I put you up for adoption in the first place. The reason is that I couldn't possibly give you the life that you deserve. I'm only twenty-one, and when you get to be that age, you'll realize that you're a kid until you're about thirty. Right now, I'm not getting any financial support from my mom, and I don't have a college degree. Living with Rick and Tara will provide you with opportunities I could only dream of._

_There's one other person you should know about. His name is Ephram Brown. We met while I was working as a babysitter for his younger sister. There will be people in your life whom you won't be able stand, but you'll later find that some of those people are those you will be able to connect with better than anyone. Ephram was like that. Even though we aren't together now, he'll always have a place in my heart. I know he would love you more than anything. If you're anything like he is, then you're destined to do amazing things._

_One last thing: I love you. Never forget that, because it's the biggest reason I'm writing this letter. I never want you to think that I gave you away because I didn't want you, because the truth is that I want you more than anything in this world, and putting you up for adoption is the hardest choice I have ever had to make. I don't want to do this, but I know that this is the best thing I can do for you. And no matter what you think of me as, I'll always think of you as my son._

_Love,_

_(It doesn't matter to me what you call me. All I care is that I have a place in your heart.)_

_P.S. I hope you play the piano._

**OOO**

**Final Thoughts: **Overall, I'm pretty proud of this, but I think Madison may be a tad OOC.

While my _Everwood _OTP is Andy/Nina, I really do like Ephram/Madison. (I'll be honest, Ephram/Amy didn't do much for me.) If you've seen the alternate ending to what turned out to be the series finale, you probably either love it or hate it. Personally, I want to know how the series would have turned out had it been renewed for a fifth season. Well, _c'est la vie_.


End file.
